


Friday Movie Night

by Dontbelasagnax (orphan_account)



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Accidental Porn Watching, Awkwardness, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, I Don't Even Know, Non-Graphic Smut, Post-Episode: s10e01 The Pilot, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2019-02-13 22:10:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12993564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Dontbelasagnax
Summary: "This is why I pick the films." He shot Nardole a nasty glare as he arose and ejected the porno. He read the sex tape and pointedly shot him another glare. "Maybe if you'd actually read the tape, you might've been dissuaded from playing it."





	Friday Movie Night

**Author's Note:**

> Lord knows what possessed me to write this. I think that maybe I just have kink involving embarrassing the Doctor???  
> Btw I finally came up with a title that isn't lyrics from a song because I am sooo creative lol
> 
> I had a good laugh writing this, so I hope y'all do too ;)

"Doctor you promised we'd have a movie night on Friday." Bill complained as the Doctor made to land the Tardis at her place.  
  
"And we will, on Friday."  
  
"It is Friday."  
  
"It is not!" He glanced intensely at the moniter before realizing that it actually was Friday.  
  
"Right. So Friday movie night! Haven't done one of those in ages..."  
  
"Got any good films lyin' around?"  
  
"I'm sure I could dig up some old things." The Doctor pondered for a moment before continuing.  
"Nardole make some snacks and meet us in the living room. Follow me Bill."  
  
"You've got a living room?" Bill called after the Doctor as he sped down the hallways.  
  
"Course. Every time machine needs a living room, not really sure why it's called that though. Rubbish name. It's as if the room itself is living or one could only live in that designated room."  
  
"Right here we are." They arrived at an aged wooden door, different from the usual metal doors adorning the halls. The Doctor pushed the door open and smiled bittersweetly as a sweet scent enveloped his senses. Bill walked in the room blindly, patting the walls in search of a light switch. The Doctor simply rolled his eyes.  
  
"Lights." At the Timelord's command, the lights flickered on. It took Bill's eyes a moment to adjust before she realized they were standing in an extravagant bedroom. The wooden floors were a glossy honey color, complimenting the white and gold walls. The room was well lived in. A bureau stood near the closet, makeup and various weapons scattered across the surface. A full length mirror perched against the wall beside the bureau, a green cocktail dress hanging over. In the far corner stood a desk, cluttered with books and papers. Across the room stood a four poster queen sized bed. The frame a golden wood and bedding an off white colour. Beside the bed were two bedside tables. A leather armchair was placed between the opposite wall and bedside table. An ottoman sat at the foot of the bed. The walls lined with photographs, most of them depicting a red headed woman, sandy haired man, lanky brunette man in a bowtie, and a curly haired blonde woman. Some of them depicted only the Doctor and the blonde woman though.  
  
"Who's room is this?" Bill had noticed the feminine touches around the room, she wondered if a woman had decorated.  
  
"Mine."  
  
"You wear dresses?" She scoffed and ran her fingers across the green dress.  
  
"Don't touch that!" Surprised at his sudden outburst, Bill stepped away from the dress.  
  
"Sorry. It's my wife's." He mumbled an apology  
  
"Oh."  
"So what are we doing here?"  
  
"Looking for my VHS and some tapes. You look under the bed, I'll search the closet. Put everything back exactly where you found it when you're done."  
  
"Are you sure you want me looking under the bed?" The Doctor looked at her incredulously, not understanding her hesitance.  
  
"Is there anything under there you wouldn't want me to see? Magazines..."  
  
"Magazines?"  
  
"Ya know...the explicit kind..."  
  
"What? No! Why would I have those kinds of magazines?!?"  
  
"I dunno..."  
  
"Just look for the damn VHS will you?" The Doctor shuffled through River's side of the closet, delicately pushing clothing aside and opening boxes. Desperate to keep everything exactly the same as it had been when they walked in, he barely moved anything he touched. Eventually, he found the VHS under a pile of shoe boxes. That woman and her affinity for pretty high heels.  
  
"Bill! I found the VHS! Have you found any films?" Bill had just finished sorting through a box filled with bowties.  
  
"No, but I'll keep looking." Just then, a box marked 'HOME MOVIES' caught her attention. The Doctor started searching in his side of the closet.  
  
"Wait, Doctor. I think I found something." The graying Scot popped his head out of the closet to see Bill walking over to him, carrying a box.  
  
"I finally found some tapes!" She handed him the box and his face lit up at the sight of the box's contents.  
  
"This'll do nicely...Lets join Nardole in the living room." The Doctor handed the box to his friend before heaving the VHS into his arms. Bill followed close behind the Doctor as they walked to the living room. The Doctor stopped abruptly upon wooden double doors.  
  
"Do you mind opening the door? My hands are a little full at the moment." He wiggled his pinky to make a point. Bill rolled her eyes before opening the door for her annoying mentor.  
The living room was different from what she expected. Bill expected it to be large and have mismatched furniture, as if the Doctor had decorated. She couldnt have been more wrong. The walls were an offwhite color, the floors a warm wood. Two sofas and an arm chair sat in the middle of the room, a wooden coffee table in the center. The two sofas were grey and adorned with yellow throw pillows and a fluffy white blanket. The armchair was a worn leather. On top of the coffee table was a vase of sunflowers and two bowls of popcorn. On the wall opposing the coffee table was a large flat screen tv. Below the tv sat a fireplace, already lit. As Bill took in her new surroundings, the Doctor set up the VHS. Most of the walls were filled with photographs, maps, and documents written in circular gallifreyan, but one wall had a painting. It looked like one of the sunflower paintings by Vincent Van Gogh.  
  
"Is that-"  
  
"By Van Gogh? Yes."  
  
"How'd you get it?"  
  
"As I recall, this particular painting was lost in transit to its new owner."  
  
"You stole it?!"  
  
" _I_ didn't steal it! My wife and tricked me into being complicit."  
  
"Why'd _she_ do it?"  
  
"Apart from being a mild kleptomaniac, she got it as a birthday present for her mother."  
  
"Couldn't she just have gotten a print of it?"  
  
"No. This one is special. Look closer."  
  
"To Amelia?"  
  
"Amy and I visited Van Gogh once. We spent a few days with him, becoming friends, fighting aliens. He ended up dedicating this painting to Amy.  
  
"Who is she, Amy?"  
  
"Isn't it obvious? She's River's mother." Nardole replied while munching on popcorn, seemingly appearing out of thin air.  
"Let's start watching these movies before I finish all my popcorn." He added.  
The Doctor silently agreed with his bald friend, popping a tape into the VHS and switching the tv on. Nardole sat down beside Bill, stealing the blanket from her. The Doctor sat down on the unoccupied sofa. The movie started.  
  
_"Oi raggedy man! Get in here, you're late!" A Scottish and leggy red head sounded as a skinny brunette man in a bowtie and suspenders entered through the front door._  
  
"I remember this. This was the party we threw for River when she got her acceptance letter for Luna University!"  
  
_"How are my Ponds!"_  
  
_"Cross." Amy replied as she folded her arms._  
  
_"Sorry for being late. Future River and I got a little carried away."_  
  
_"Stop right there Doctor. I do not want to hear about my daughter's sex life." A voice sounded from behind the camera. It sounded like Rory._  
Bill looked to the Doctor, obviously confused. How could that young brunette man with a British accent possibly be the Doctor?  
  
"That was my past body. I've since regenerated." He explained shortly.  
  
_"Wha- I didn't mean it like that!" The Doctor's eyes practically jumped out of their sockets._  
  
_"Come here raggedy man. You didn't give me my hug." Amy laughed at her innocent best friend and wrapped her arms around him._  
  
_"Did you get her a present?" Rory asked, falling back into old rhythms with his friend._  
  
_"Of course I got her a present! What sort of husband do you think I am?"_  
  
_"She's not your wife yet, slow down cowboy."_  
  
_"I quite like being a cowboy. Stetson hats are cool." He tugged at his boy tie and fix his hair in place._  
  
_"We know." The couple grumbled at the same time._  
  
_"Don't get any ideas. She's still young and impressionable. I don't want her to be forced into this relationship."_  
  
_"I wouldn't dream of it." The Doctor's tone of voice was serious and gentle._  
  
"Oh my God they caught this conversation on camera?" The Doctor looked mortified.  
  
_"But River is River." Amy pointed out._  
  
_"And if she comes onto you, turn her down politely. She's not ready yet. Understand?" Rory added, looking worryingly fatherly and protective._  
  
_"Yeah." The Doctor pulled at his collar, looking a little uncomfortable._  
  
The Doctor was cringing, Bill was confused, and Nardole was amused. Noticing Bill's expression, the Doctor paused the film.  
  
"I don't understand..."  
  
"River and I are time travellers-"  
  
"Were." Nardole corrected. The Doctor glared at him.  
  
"River and I are time travellers, so we never meet in the right order. One of us has always seen something from the other's future. In this film, I had already married River but was visiting a version who had only just met me."  
  
"That's confusing." Bill was still trying to wrap her head around the concept.  
  
"Tell me about it. We have diaries just to keep track of it all."  
  
"Had." Nardole added.  
  
"Would you stop that!"   
  
"She's dead!"   
  
"I very well know that, thank you!"  
  
"She's dead?" Bill asked timidly.  
  
"Yes. She is." Nardole replied, making eye contact with the Timelord as if to reiterate the fact that she's dead.  
  
"Would you two stop rubbing it in my face."  
  
"You've got to get over her one day." Nardole muttured. The Doctor stared at Nardole incredulously before scoffing.  
  
"Not gonna happen." The grey haired Scot pressed play on the remote and continued to stuff his face with popcorn.  
  
_The screen went dark and when an image resurfaced, they were in a different room. It was the living room. A door creaking open could be heard before a familiar voice filled the air._  
  
_"Mum, Dad, I'm home!" River stepped into the living room wearing a low cut tank top tucked into an impossibly short skirt. At the sight of the Doctor lounging on the sofa, she stopped dead in her tracks._  
  
_"Doctor."_  
  
_"Hi honey, care for a jammy dodger?" He held a pack of jammy dodgers out to her._  
  
_"No thanks. What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be, I don't know, not hanging out with your assassin?"_  
  
_"I could, but what fun would that be?" She smiled at his remark and her parents grimaced. River took a seat beside him anyways._  
  
_"So Melody, what subject are you majoring in?" Rory asked, trying to sound innocent as he hid his knowing smile behind a cup of tea._  
  
_"Archeology."_  
  
_"Is that so?" The Doctor was grinning from ear to ear._  
  
_"I'm sure you'll do great. Maybe even become a professor one day..." River laughed at her mother's comment. She could never imagine herself teaching people. The Doctor shot Amy a warning glance._  
  
_"I don't know about that. I wouldn't have have the patience." River crossed her legs, her already short skirt inching up her legs. The Doctor nearly spat tea out his orifices. Rory ground his teeth and Amy rolled her eyes._  
  
_"I'll go get the cake from the kitchen. Would you be a dear and fetch the presents?" Amy directed the question to her husband, who silently consented._  
  
_"Presents?" River's eyes lit up._  
  
_"Did you think we'd throw you a party and not get you presents?" Rory said as he returned holding five wrapped presents. He set them down on the coffee table._  
  
_"These are all for me?" River gasped._  
  
_"Course silly. We'll have cake after you open the presents." Amy carried a small white cake to her family. A gentle smile eroded River's face, this was far beyond anything she expected from them. It was heartwarming._  
  
_"This one is from your father and I, this is from me, this is from your father, and I think these two are from the Doctor." Amy pointed at a medium box wrapped in silver paper, a much larger pink box, a slightly smaller box wrapped in silver paper, a small black gift bag, and a large blue box._  
  
_"Where do I start?"_  
  
_"How about with this one." Amy handed her daughter the pink box. River unwrapped it to find a short slinky black dress._  
  
_"I thought you'd like it. If you don't, I can return it-"_  
  
_"I love it. Thanks mum." The next box was the one from Rory. It held a trowel. River giggled upon seeing it._  
  
_"You know I'm only an undergrad, I haven't even started my courses yet. I won't be needing this for awhile."_  
  
_"I know, I just wanted to give you something to remind you of what you're working towards."_  
  
_"That's so sweet. Thank you dad."_  
  
_"This one is from your father and I." Amy handed the small silver box to River. It held a bundle of pencils, hair ties, and a framed photo of Amy, Rory, and the Doctor._  
  
_"It's perfect. Thank you both."_  
  
_"These are from me." The Doctor handed her his presents, a lopsided grin plaguing his face. River hesitantly opened the bag to find a few types of lipstick._  
  
_"Lipstick?" She looked at the products critcally._  
  
_"Hallucinagenic lipstick. One kiss and your target will do anything you suggest. Also, the effects are somewhat close to an acid trip. I would not recommend trying it on yourself."_  
_"Open the other one." He chided giddily. Inside the blue package was a pair of red heels, a sonic blaster, a fountain pen, handcuffs, and a navy evening gown._  
  
_"What is all of this?" River held up the handcuffs and sonic blaster with an inquisitive expression._  
  
Nardole picked up the remote and paused the film, turning his attention to the Doctor.  
  
"You got her the handcuffs?"  
  
"Who else would? It's not like the Ponds would've wanted anything to do with their daughter's fetishes."  
"Besides, I knew she got into them sometime around uni, so why wouldn't I be the one to gift them to her."  
  
"It's your own fault I found you cuffed to the console."  
  
"That was not my fault! I told you not to enter the Tardis for at least two hours and you didn't listen!"  
  
"Well I certainly wasn't expecting to find you in the nude and cuffed to the console. Besides, you're the one who got her into it!"  
  
"Wait what?" Bill nearly choked on a kernel of popcorn. "You've done it on the console?" Her face clearly displayed her disgust.  
  
"Right then, let's just watch this film." The Doctor snatched the remote from Nardole's hands and pressed play.  
  
_"I know you'll go and get yourself into trouble, so I thought I'd give you a few things to prepare you."_  
  
_"What am I going to need these for at uni?"_  
  
_"I'm sure you'll think of something."_  
  
_The film ended with the Ponds grimacing and the future space couple grinning at each other naughtily._  
  
"Let's move onto the next one." The Doctor ejected the tape out of the VHS and inserted a new one. He landed on his sofa with a thump.  
  
_"This is River's birthday, it has to be perfect!" Amy pointed to a failed attempt at a cake._  
  
_"We could ask the Doctor to fetch us one?"_  
  
_"You know him. He'll either drop it on the way here or arrive a week late." Amy sunk into the bar stool._  
  
_"Hello Ponds! River will be here soon, she got a little caught up taunting a Sontaran at a bar. Typical, always picking a fight with those blood thirsty potatoes."_  
  
_"What's wrong Pond?"_  
  
_"The cake."_  
  
_"There's nothing wrong with it, it's just a bit...wibbly wobbly." He tilted his head and frowned at the little cake._  
  
_"Exactly! It's not perfect!"_  
  
_"I doubt River would mind if it's not perfect."_  
  
_"She'd probably be happy she got a cake." Rory added, but Amy glared at him._  
  
_"Not helping."_  
  
_"Sorry. Shutting up now." Rory now sulked in the stool beside his wife._  
_With a zap and bright flash, River appeared before them. Upon seeing the Doctor she smiled._  
_"Honey I'm home!"_  
  
_"And what sort of time do you call this?"_  
  
_"Where are you?" River approached the Doctor, afraid he didn't know her yet._  
  
_"Area 52." All fear washed away with those words, her smile broadening._  
  
_"Hello husband." He smiled at her response._  
  
_"Hello wife." He walked towards River and pulled her into a kiss. A mew of surprise left her lips before being swallowed into a moan of approval. She moved her hands from his chest to cradle the nape of his neck. He placed a hand on the small of her back and cupped her face with the other. Amy and Rory watched the repulsive act. Amy looked like she going to be sick. Rory looked to be nursing an oncoming headache. River and the Doctor finally broke apart after thoroughly snogging for five long minutes. They were breathless and gasping for air._  
  
_"How do you two do that?" Amy asked, disgusted._  
  
_"Respiratory bypass." The couple replied at the same time._  
  
_"So sweetie, where are you taking us today?"_  
  
_"Dancing!"_  
  
_The film cut to footage of the Doctor and River slow dancing. They appeared to be somewhere in the 21st century, judging by everyone's attire. River was wearing a color shifting green dress and the Doctor had switched his usual tan tweed jacket for a purple coat. Amy and Rory could be heard conversing from behind the camera._  
  
_"They look happy."_  
  
_"Yeah, they do."_  
  
_"It's weird seeing them act some what normal."_  
  
_"I know right. It's like seeing a whole new side of them."_  
_In the distance, River wrapped her arms around the Doctor's neck. He followed suite by wrapping his arms around her waist, pulling her closer. Her nose grazed his as they swayed to the soft music. The couple lost themselves in the other's eyes._  
_The film ended there._  
  
The Doctor stared longingly at the now dark screen, as if staring would bring them back. He shook away the thoughts of his long lost family and chewed on some popcorn noisily.  
Nardole noticed his pained expression and got up quickly to replace the film.  
  
_"Why do we have to wear cameras?" The Doctor flicked the small camera attached to his collar._  
  
_"We need to know where everyone is at all times, it's just a safety precaution. No one has been on this planet for centuries, who knows what's out there?"_  
  
_"I don't like being recorded."_  
  
_"Get used to it sweetie, or these next few days are going to be very hard for you."_  
  
_"Why did I agree to this?"_  
  
_"Because you love me."_  
  
_"That, and I'm insane."_  
  
_"You'd have to be insane to love me, dear." She pressed a quick kiss to his lips before taking his hand and dragging him towards the dig site._  
  
_The film cut to a scene where the Doctor and River were cuddling on a small cot in what appeared to be a tent. River tucked into his side with her head upon his chest, one hand intertwined with his. His free hand on the small of her back, holding her close._  
  
_"Thanks for convincing them to get rid of the cameras."_  
  
_"You owe me."_  
  
_"Yes, I do." His voice rumbled, low and lustful, causing River to shiver._  
_"How about I start repaying you. Right. Now." He asked in between open mouthed kisses down her jaw. She arched into him, letting a keening sound escape her lips as he sucked at her pulse point. She turned onto her back as he draped himself over her, stealing a passionate kiss. When he pulled back, the Doctor kissed his way down her half naked body. He paused at breasts, biting and licking her already hard nipples through the thin material of her negligee._  
  
Nardole and Bill shot each other horrified looks and both reached for the remote, which lay just out of reach on the coffee table.  
  
_"Oh yes sweetie!" River moaned and tilted her head back._  
  
The Doctor snapped out of his trance like state upon hearing 'sweetie'. Immediately his face flushed red when he caught sight of himself making love to his wife. All three of them desperately fumbled for the remote. Somewhere in the struggle, someone pressed the fast forward button. Much to everyone's horror, the film sped up, forcing everyone to witness the Doctor speedily thrusting in River. The couple's moans raised in pitch by about an octave. The obscene sounds could put any pornstar out of business.  
Eventually, after lots of wrestling and swearing, the Doctor managed to grab the remote and hastily press pause.  
  
" _This_ is why I pick the films." He shot Nardole a nasty glare as he arose and ejected the porno. He read the sex tape and pointedly shot him another glare. "Maybe if you'd _actually_ read the tape, you might've been dissuaded from playing it."  
  
"What does it say?" Nardole gulped, fearing the worst.  
  
"'For my love's eyes only, I know how much you _love_ being recorded.'" He scowled once again at Nardole before placing the tape back in the box.  
"That insufferable woman." The Doctor muttered with an impossibly fond grin on his face.  
  
"I could really go for some fancy alien mind wipe right about now." Bill grumbled as she buried her face in her hands. 

~~~

The rest of the evening was spent playing board games far far away from the box of films. Sadly, the trio would remember that mortifying experience forever.  


**Author's Note:**

> Leave kudos and/or a comment if you enjoyed this fic!  
> I know I certainly did lololol


End file.
